Speaking Their Language: Why Leaders Must Keep Learning
I’m in my mid-50s, and I have the privilege of leading the youth at our church. Every week, I find myself asking our teens to “translate” the latest slang for me. Honestly, I can’t keep up with the ever-changing phrases and inside jokes of Gen Z. I may not fully understand the “6/7” mindset, but I put in the effort. If I want to stay connected to them, I have to speak their language.
That lesson goes beyond teenage slang—it’s leadership at every level.
A few weeks ago, I invited a young African American church member in her late 20s to share her personal journey of hair loss with our youth group. She spoke from both a racial perspective and as a modern Gen Z woman navigating identity, culture, and faith. Our teens were encouraged to ask questions, and while I facilitated much of the discussion, the end result was powerful. She addressed fears, insecurities, racial barriers, and cultural practices with honesty and courage. It was both enlightening and refreshing to hear her voice—and it reminded me again that sometimes the best way to connect is to let others speak in a language the group understands.
We also lean into the tools of their generation when we teach biblical lessons. In one session, we had students create fake Instagram accounts for Moses, Jonah, and Jesus. They posted what these biblical figures might say or share if they were alive today. Watching our teens wrestle with Scripture while translating it into memes, captions, and posts was both hilarious and profound. They weren’t just scrolling—they were engaging the Word of God in a way that felt relevant to their world. As leaders, we walked away inspired that they really are listening to the lessons we share week after week. We felt validated and they felt seen. It was a win / win.
This is why I often bring in different voices and new approaches to youth ministry. When leaders are willing to step back, get creative, and make space for others, the message becomes more relevant and the impact more lasting.
Leaders who refuse to learn the language of the people they serve risk building walls instead of bridges. For pastors, that may mean learning digital tools or cultural references to connect with younger congregants. For younger leaders, it might mean slowing down to honor the wisdom and traditions of those who’ve gone before them. For all of us, it means choosing humility, curiosity, and adaptability over pride and comfort.
Speaking someone else’s language doesn’t mean losing your own. It means valuing the relationship enough to meet them where they are. Paul reminded us to be “all things to all people” so that we might reach more for Christ (1 Corinthians 9:22). That principle still applies today—whether it’s slang, social media, or simply listening deeply to another generation’s perspective.
The truth is, leadership that lasts is leadership that listens. It’s leadership willing to learn a new “language” so others feel seen, heard, and valued.
So here’s the question: Who in your life needs you to lean in, learn, and speak their language?
The 90-Second Hourglass: Don’t Let Emotions Break You—Choose to Process Them
We’ve all had those moments — the email that frustrates us, the careless comment that stings, the disappointment that cuts deeper than expected. Emotions rise fast, sometimes overwhelming us before we even know what happened.
But here’s a truth from neuroscience: the chemical surge of an emotional reaction lasts only about 90 seconds. After that, if we’re still upset, it’s not biology anymore. It’s our mind replaying the story.
The Science Behind the 90-Second Rule
Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor, a Harvard-trained brain scientist, discovered that when an emotional trigger hits, stress hormones flood the body. That wave takes about a minute and a half to move through our system.
The first 90 seconds are automatic.
Beyond that, we have a choice: let the emotion pass or keep feeding it with our thoughts.
This means the emotion itself is real but fleeting. It’s what we do after those 90 seconds that determines whether the feeling becomes fuel for growth or fire for destruction.
What This Means for Everyday Life
Emotions are God-given signals, but they don’t have to control us. If we can give ourselves just 90 seconds to pause, breathe, and notice the surge, we create space to respond with wisdom instead of reaction.
Imagine the difference:
Instead of snapping back in anger, you wait.
Instead of spiraling into fear, you breathe.
Instead of replaying the insult, you let the wave pass.
What you choose after 90 seconds can change your relationships, your leadership, and your health.
A Biblical Perspective
The Bible affirms this truth:
“Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger.” (Ephesians 4:26)
“Take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.” (2 Corinthians 10:5)
God acknowledges that emotions will come. But He also gives us the tools to manage them so they don’t take root and rule us.
What Does That Mean to the Pastor?
For pastors and ministry leaders, the stakes are even higher. Shepherding others while being caught in the thrashing waves of unprocessed emotions can be catastrophic — not only for your own health but for your ministry as a whole.
A 90-second surge left unchecked can become a 30-minute rant from the pulpit.
A lingering hurt can distort how you counsel, making someone else’s pain feel personal.
An unresolved offense can bleed into your leadership, creating division in your team or congregation.
When pastors do not learn to let the emotional wave crest and pass, they risk leading from reaction rather than discernment. Over time, this erodes trust, damages credibility, and exhausts both the leader and the flock.
The Physical Cost of Stuffing Emotions
The consequences aren’t just spiritual or relational — they are also physical. When emotions are repeatedly stuffed instead of processed, the body carries the weight:
Stress hormones remain elevated, damaging the heart, immune system, and nervous system.
Suppressed emotions often resurface as chronic fatigue, anxiety, or depression.
Over time, pastors may mistake their health decline for “burnout,” when in reality it is the accumulated cost of unprocessed emotions.
The reality is that many pastors feel they can’t — or shouldn’t — acknowledge negative emotions because they are “called to love.” But ignoring emotions is not holiness. It is avoidance, and avoidance silently eats away at the body, the mind, and the ministry.
Allowing space to process emotions — correctly and intentionally — is not weakness. It is stewardship. By giving yourself room to sit with feelings, discern their roots, and surrender them to God, you protect your health, your calling, and the people you serve.
1 Peter 5:7 — “Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.”
A Challenge for You
Have you ever stopped to wonder why your responses sometimes feel so intense?
I’m a “patterns” person — because patterns always tell a story. What does your pattern of overreaction reveal about the way you process emotions?
Maybe it’s time to slow down and ask why your reactions feel so overwhelming. And I don’t just mean overwhelming for you — but also for the people who have to navigate around them.
Something is feeding those reactions. The real question is: Are you brave enough to pause, to stand still long enough, and to uncover what that “something” really is?
Takeaway: The 90-second rule reminds us that emotions are powerful but not permanent. Pastors, leaders, and believers alike must choose: will we keep replaying the storm, or will we step into the sunshine of clarity, peace, and grace?
The Delicate Balancing Act of Being a Pastor’s Wife
Being married to a pastor is unlike any other role. It is not just a marriage; it is a marriage lived in public view. From parishioner meetings that stretch late into the night, to disagreements at home that you pray never bleed into Sunday morning, there is a constant need for balance. The delicate line between home and church life can sometimes feel blurred beyond recognition.
The truth is—there is no single “job description” for the pastor’s wife. Some wives serve on the frontlines of church ministry, shoulder-to-shoulder with their husbands. Others maintain professional careers outside the church and offer their support in quieter ways. Both roles are valuable, but the weight and expectations often feel different.
Different Roles, Different Realities
For those who work outside of the church, the balance often revolves around managing two worlds—professional responsibilities and supporting their husband’s calling. They may not feel the same pull into church leadership, but they still carry the invisible expectations of the congregation.
For those immersed in church life, however, the balance can feel even trickier. The roles blur: wife, counselor, organizer, mediator, leader, friend. Every conversation at fellowship hour, every text that comes late at night, every whispered expectation—these become part of her daily rhythm. Without careful boundaries, marriage can begin to feel less like a sacred covenant and more like a shared job description.
Finding Your Rhythm
I know this struggle personally. It took me nearly two years to find my rhythm as a pastor’s wife. In the beginning, I sat back quietly, observing the culture and subcultures of our church. I listened more than I spoke. I watched how women interacted with me, and I took the time to earn their trust.
Little by little, I began to create space for meaningful one-on-one relationships. Over time, those relationships became the foundation of my ministry as a pastor’s wife. But I also learned something crucial: not everyone gets access to my inner circle. That space is sacred, and I make no apologies for protecting it.
Personality and Leadership Traits Matter
The way we navigate this balancing act often comes down to our personalities and leadership styles. Some women enter the role and instantly find their place—they thrive in the spotlight, eager to connect, lead, and organize. Others take longer, needing to process, reflect, and discern where they fit. Neither approach is wrong.
For me, this has been especially shaped by my personality. I am an introvert by nature. An introvert is someone who gains energy from being alone, finding refreshment and clarity in solitude. Yet, in ministry, I often have to step into what looks like the opposite role. To “extrovert” is to draw energy from being around people, thriving in social interaction and group settings.
At church, I frequently need to extrovert—engaging in conversations, encouraging others, and being present in community life. I don’t mind this, but it can be draining. To restore my balance, I intentionally return to introvert mode: recharging in quiet spaces, enjoying solitude, and letting my energy rebuild. Once my “battery” is full again, I can step back out and extrovert with joy and purpose.
This rhythm matters. Understanding whether you naturally lean toward introversion or extroversion—and learning how to honor that wiring—becomes a key piece of navigating the balance between ministry and marriage.
Keeping Marriage and Ministry Separate
One of the greatest challenges for any pastor’s wife is keeping the marriage separate from the job. Ministry will always place demands on your time, energy, and emotions—but marriage must remain sacred ground.
Here are a few practices that have helped me protect that balance:
Create clear boundaries. Set aside times that are just for your marriage—no phone calls, no church talk, no ministry planning. Just the two of you.
Be honest about your needs. Your husband cannot read your mind. If you feel stretched thin, let him know. Open communication is a lifeline.
Give each other permission to disconnect. Not every conversation needs to revolve around church. It’s healthy to laugh, dream, and enjoy one another outside of ministry.
Seek outside support. A trusted mentor, counselor, or friend outside of your congregation can give you perspective and encouragement. No one should navigate this role alone.
You Are Not Alone
Early in my journey, I realized I could not navigate the world of being a pastor’s wife on my own. I needed wisdom from those who had walked this road before me. I needed safe spaces where I could be myself, without the pressure of meeting expectations. And most importantly, I needed to embrace the truth that God called me—not just my husband—to this life.
The balancing act of being a pastor’s wife is real. It is delicate, often exhausting, but also beautiful. When you learn to guard your marriage, honor your personality, and lean on others for support, you discover a rhythm that is uniquely yours. And in that rhythm, you find freedom—not to be the perfect pastor’s wife, but to be the authentic woman God created you to be.
If you are a pastor’s wife reading this, know that your role is valuable, your boundaries are sacred, and your journey is worth protecting.
Holistic Healing: More Than Just Talk Therapy
When people hear the word healing, their minds often jump to one thing: talk therapy. And while I believe deeply in the value of good, healthy conversations with trained professionals, I also know this—healing is bigger than words. True healing is holistic. It’s physical. It’s spiritual. It’s emotional. It’s all of you, working together toward wholeness.
I’ve met so many people desperate to “get healthy” who focus only on one area—maybe they start a diet, or commit to daily prayer, or finally schedule that counseling appointment. But here’s the truth: if your mind, body, and spirit aren’t all on board, you’re only doing part of the work.
The Body Remembers What the Mind Tries to Forget
One of the most powerful (and painful) truths I’ve learned is that trauma doesn’t disappear just because we stop talking about it. In fact, the opposite is often true. For those of us who grew up in homes where “we don’t talk about that” was the unspoken rule, our pain often found another place to live—inside our bodies.
Headaches. Stomach issues. Chronic fatigue. Unexplained aches and pains. These can all be the body’s way of carrying what the heart and mind haven’t been allowed to process. Even small unresolved hurts—left unacknowledged—can grow into something much larger, showing up in physical symptoms years later.
Healing Is a Full-Body Function
Processing hurt, pain, and trauma is not just a mental exercise—it’s a full-body function. Your nervous system plays a role. Your muscles carry tension. Your heart rate and breathing patterns can shift based on what you’ve experienced, even if you can’t consciously connect the dots. That’s why true healing means paying attention to all parts of yourself.
Holistic healing might include:
Spiritual work: Prayer, scripture, worship, and community support
Emotional work: Therapy, journaling, grief processing, and safe conversations
Physical work: Movement, nutrition, rest, and learning how to calm your body’s stress response
When we address all three, we give ourselves the best possible chance to heal deeply and completely.
The Courage to Begin
The work isn’t always comfortable. In fact, it can be downright exhausting to open the boxes we’ve tucked away in our hearts. But I believe God created us to live in wholeness—not just survive, but thrive. That means caring for our bodies, our minds, and our spirits with intention.
If you’re carrying something heavy, maybe today is your first step toward putting it down. Not by rushing through it, but by inviting God and trusted people into the process—and letting your whole self finally breathe again.
When Leaders Carry Invisible Wounds: The Impact of Unresolved Trauma on Ministry
Leaders often look steady from the outside — confident, capable, ready to take on whatever comes. But sometimes, beneath that polished surface, there are wounds no one else can see. These aren’t small scrapes from a hard day. They’re deeper. They’re the kind of wounds that linger in the shadows of the heart — the ones we carry from seasons of pain that were never fully processed or healed.
In ministry, these wounds can be especially dangerous because they hide behind a smile, a sermon, or a leadership role. We’ve learned how to “show up” even when we’re breaking inside. But the truth is, what we haven’t healed will eventually show itself — in our relationships, our decisions, and our leadership.
What Is Unresolved Trauma?
When we hear the word trauma, many people picture catastrophic events — abuse, war, tragedy. And while those experiences are certainly traumatic, unresolved trauma can also come from quieter, but equally damaging, moments:
Betrayal by someone you trusted.
Church conflict that left you spiritually bruised.
Childhood wounds that were never spoken about.
Seasons of ministry burnout that you pushed through without rest.
Trauma is not always about what happened to you — it’s about what was left unhealed. And when that pain is buried instead of processed, it shapes the way we see God, ourselves, and others.
How Unresolved Trauma Shows Up in Leadership
Even the most seasoned leaders aren’t immune. Unresolved trauma can seep into every area of leadership, often without us realizing it. It may look like:
Difficulty trusting — keeping people at arm’s length because letting them close feels risky.
Overreacting to criticism — taking feedback as a personal attack instead of an opportunity to grow.
Avoiding conflict — staying silent when you should speak up, or, on the flip side, engaging in unnecessary battles.
Emotional distance — putting up walls to protect yourself but accidentally isolating the people who care about you most.
Fear-driven decisions — leading more from a place of self-preservation than Spirit-led confidence.
If you’ve noticed these patterns in yourself, it doesn’t mean you’re broken beyond repair — it means there’s healing waiting to happen.
Why This Matters for Ministry
Unresolved trauma doesn’t just affect you — it impacts the people you’re called to serve.
It can distort your view of God’s character, making Him feel more like a taskmaster than a loving Father.
It can cause you to misinterpret people’s intentions, leading to unnecessary division.
It can weaken your ability to hear from God clearly because fear and pain are speaking louder than His voice.
Over time, leading from a wounded place erodes trust, fuels burnout, and leaves the flock without the healthy shepherd they need.
The Path Toward Healing
Healing unresolved trauma takes courage. It means facing the places we’ve avoided because they hurt too much. But it’s also the very thing that sets us free to lead well.
Here are a few ways to start:
Acknowledge your wounds — Denial keeps you stuck. Honesty opens the door to change.
Learn your triggers — Pay attention to what sparks strong emotional reactions. It’s often a clue to where healing is needed.
Invite safe people into the process — A mentor, a counselor, a peer who can listen without judgment and speak truth in love.
Embrace holistic care — Prayer, Scripture, rest, physical movement, and healthy boundaries all work together in the healing process.
Give yourself time — Healing is a journey. You don’t have to arrive overnight.
A Final Word of Hope
Unresolved trauma is not a life sentence. When leaders choose to face it head-on, they don’t just become better leaders — they become freer, healthier people. And from that place of freedom, their ministry becomes more authentic, compassionate, and Spirit-led.
The church doesn’t need perfect leaders. It needs healed leaders. Leaders who have walked through the fire, faced their own brokenness, and found the courage to step into the spaces where unresolved pain once lived — and choose, finally, to let it go.
The Invisibility of the Pastor’s Wife
Invisible.
She’s in the front row every Sunday.
Smiling. Supporting. Worshiping. Showing up.
But who sees her?
The pastor’s wife is often the silent strength behind the pulpit — praying, counseling, interceding, discerning… all while holding the weight of expectations she never signed up for. No one ever asks her. Often, she has no voice other than the one the congregation forces upon her.
Church culture often defines her role before she ever has a chance to.
And if she doesn’t fit the mold? She fades further into the background.
Some are expected to lead worship.
Some to run women’s ministry.
Some to say nothing at all.
And yet, the emotional toll is rarely studied.
Rarely spoken of.
Rarely supported.
Rarely seen.
In my recent research, pastors interviewed pointed to their spouses as a vital part of their emotional and spiritual support. And yet—there is virtually no formal data on the mental health of pastors’ wives. No frameworks for care. No roadmaps for their wellbeing.
It’s time we start paying attention.
Because the health of the leader often hinges on the strength of the unseen one beside them. She has a voice. Her pain is valid.
Let’s make space to see her. To ask. To honor.
Because shepherds' wives carry a weight that deserves to be named.
#PastorsWife #ChurchLeadership #ClergyCare #MinistryMarriage #FaithAndMentalHealth #CrownedWarrior #WomenInMinistry
The Many Hats of a Pastor’s Wife — And Why None of Them Define You
Who is the woman behind the title of “pastor’s wife”?
If you’ve ever been introduced as “the pastor’s wife,” you know the mix of emotions that title can bring. Sometimes it’s said with admiration, sometimes with curiosity, and sometimes with assumptions about what you should be doing in the church. But here’s the truth — before you were “the pastor’s wife,” you were you. And that matters. I’ve met so many women who couldn’t wait to become a pastor’s wife. They knew that’s who they wanted to be from day one. Well, that woman was not me. Ever. It was the furthest thing from my mind. But God’s sense of humor had other plans and in 2015 I was christened into the sisterhood of the “pastor’s wife” club.
But there was no manual to follow. No set of rules of engagement to review. I just dove in and prayed for the best! Now, a decade later- I’ve spoken with pastor’s wives who feel like they are always on stage, constantly under the microscope, and sometimes carrying the invisible weight of their spouse’s ministry. They attend every service, every meeting, every dinner — often without anyone realizing that they also have their own dreams, jobs, and passions. The role can be rewarding, but it can also be lonely and confusing if you forget who you are outside of the title.
Scripture to Anchor Us
Psalm 139:14 reminds us: “I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”
God didn’t create you to be defined only by your husband’s calling. He made you with your own unique wiring, giftings, and assignments — and they are just as valuable in His Kingdom.
The Danger of Losing Yourself
When you let the role overshadow your identity, burnout, resentment, and even spiritual numbness can creep in. That’s because your worth is never meant to rest solely on what you do for the church. When your sense of value comes only from meeting expectations, you risk losing touch with the person God uniquely designed you to be.
The Power of Self-Knowledge
Here’s what I encourage every pastor’s wife to ask herself:
Who am I when no one is watching? (THIS ONE IS A BIGGIE!)
What brings me joy outside of ministry?
What are my personal callings that complement — but are not limited to — my husband’s?
When you know the answers, you can serve with confidence, set healthy boundaries, and say “yes” without resentment — because your “yes” is rooted in clarity, not obligation.
Practical Ways to Protect Your Identity
Cultivate Friendships Outside the Church. Find people who love you for you, not for your role. These friendships can be life-giving in seasons when ministry feels heavy.
Schedule Time for Your Own Passions. Whether it’s painting, hiking, reading, or taking a class, your hobbies matter. They’re not selfish — they’re soul care.
Clarify Your Boundaries Early. Decide ahead of time which responsibilities are yours and which aren’t. Communicate them kindly but firmly when needed.
Why This Matters
Healthy churches need healthy leaders — and that includes the spouses. Your emotional health directly impacts your marriage, your family, and your ministry. Taking the time to nurture your personal identity isn’t just good for you; it’s good for everyone you serve.
Closing Encouragement
Dear friend, you are more than a title. You are a daughter of the King, with a purpose that goes far beyond the walls of your church. When you embrace who you are in Christ, you can support your spouse’s ministry without losing yourself in it — and that’s when your influence becomes both sustainable and joy-filled.
When the Congregation Writes Your Job Description — Without Asking You
It all begins with an idea.
If you’ve been in ministry for more than a month, you’ve probably noticed something: some congregations have a “job description” for the pastor’s wife… and it’s not written down anywhere. You discover it in comments, sideways glances, or whispered comparisons to the last pastor’s wife. Sometimes it’s wrapped in compliments. Sometimes it’s served cold as criticism. Either way, it can leave you wondering, Who exactly am I supposed to be here?
The truth? You are more than “the pastor’s wife.” You were a whole person before you ever stepped into the role, and you will remain a whole person long after. You carry titles like daughter, friend, wife, mother, grandmother, aunt — and each of these identities matters just as much as the one tied to your husband’s calling.
The danger comes when you start measuring your worth by how well you meet other people’s expectations. If you let the congregation define you, you risk slowly losing yourself. You may even wake up one day feeling like a stranger in your own skin.
Why Self-Knowledge Is Your First Line of Defense
Before you can stand firm against outside pressures, you must know who you are.
What do you enjoy?
What recharges you?
What drains you?
What breaks your spirit — and what builds it?
If you can answer these questions with honesty, you’ll have a filter for deciding which expectations to embrace and which to graciously decline.
The Power of Pre-Deciding
When a new church family meets you, they may subconsciously (or very consciously) project their preferences onto you.
“She should lead the women’s ministry.”
“She should play piano.”
“She should host every shower and funeral meal.”
“She should always be available.”
Some of these may align with your gifts. Others will not. By pre-deciding your boundaries and priorities, you protect your health, your marriage, and your personal calling. That’s not selfishness — that’s stewardship.
Why Relationships Outside the Church Matter
One of the healthiest choices you can make is to have friends who know you, not just your role. Friends who will laugh with you, cry with you, and remind you that you are more than Sunday mornings and ministry meetings. These relationships help you process without fear of judgment and give you a safe place to just be yourself.
A Gentle Reminder
Jesus didn’t allow people’s expectations to determine His actions. He said “yes” when it aligned with His mission, and “no” when it didn’t — even if people didn’t understand. You have that same freedom in Him.
The congregation may have ideas about who you should be, but your Creator already decided who you are. And that identity is far more beautiful, steady, and life-giving than any man-made list of “shoulds.”
More Than a Title: Thriving as a Pastor’s Wife Without Losing Yourself
Who do you say you are?
The role of a pastor’s wife can be both beautiful and brutal. On one hand, you get a front-row seat to miracles, life change, and the deep work of God in people’s hearts. On the other, you often carry burdens no one else sees, navigate criticism that isn’t aimed directly at you but still hits home, and live under an invisible magnifying glass.
And yet — you are more than a title.
The healthiest pastor’s wives I know have learned to root their identity in Christ first, their family second, and their ministry role third. They understand that while ministry is a calling, it’s not the sum total of their worth or purpose.
Practical Ways to Stay Grounded
If you want to thrive in this role without losing yourself, consider these practices:
Stay anchored in personal devotion. Not just the scriptures you study for ministry, but the ones that feed your soul.
Set clear boundaries. It’s okay to say “no” to requests that don’t align with your season of life, your spiritual gifts, or your capacity.
Nurture life-giving hobbies. Paint, garden, read, hike — do things that remind you you’re a whole person, not just a role.
Keep a trusted circle. Have at least a couple of people you can call when you need to be honest without worrying it will end up in the church gossip chain.
Permission to Change
One of the lies pastor’s wives often believe is that once you start doing something, you have to keep doing it forever. But God may shift your assignments over time. The needs of your family, your church, and your own health will change — and it’s okay to adjust accordingly. Flexibility is not failure; it’s wisdom.
A Word on Legacy
You’re leaving an example for the women who will come after you. By living authentically and taking care of yourself, you model what healthy ministry looks like — and you give future pastor’s wives permission to do the same.
Your worth was never in the role to begin with. It’s in the One who called you, the One who sustains you, and the One who sees every unseen act of love and sacrifice.
So live, love, and lead from that truth. Not only will you thrive — you’ll leave a legacy that outlasts every title.